Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.