Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.