My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.