[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?