sounds kinky. i’m in.
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.