KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see