age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
wut hotdog?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked