date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do