[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
uh oh
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling