[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: I鈥檒l take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What鈥檚 going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i鈥檓 an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don鈥檛 have friends
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!