You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Unimpressed
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!