My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine