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#NoRestForTheWicked
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
So glad we cleared that up
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?