I forgot how to panic. Help
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*jingles half the way*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.