[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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blocked.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I think this should do it.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day