I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered