Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.