God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
That 👊
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.