If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Every damn time
How did we not see this back then?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”