“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
never forget
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.