Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.