Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Sunday
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Harsh but fair
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you