Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”