If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!