Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
went fishing caught a bass
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me after drinking all the wine:
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.