Brb my Sims are getting married
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
first you must answer his riddles
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind