And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.