strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.