If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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getting corrected
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.