Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
my favorite genre of twitter
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
the way this pissed me off… 😭
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”