Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
i guess his teacher was really pissed
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
How do you like your Corgi?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
the short answer to this question
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?