Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Does beer think about me too?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh