The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I鈥檓 getting a little worried about my cake.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they鈥檙e like hi I鈥檓 Jenna and you鈥檙e like no you are not. I鈥檓 sorry but you are not
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I can鈥檛 deal with men any longer
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn鈥檛 look a day over 40.
Me: I鈥檓 37.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 馃檹
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they鈥檝e trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: *pressed against glass* they can鈥檛 keep us apart, they can鈥檛 deny our love, you鈥檙e my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI