*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow