When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The government even made aliens boring
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*