Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Milk Cube
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?