Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!