“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.