If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…