My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Employees must applaud the planets.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.