the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Worth a try
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST