Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’ve had worse
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.