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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*