[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
every single time
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism