Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon