All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
You Might Also Like
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.