Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
can you read it!!??
maan!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably