Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Friend: Whatโs that youโre reading?
Me: โHow to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Wantโ
Friend: Wow! If you donโt mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” ๐
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: thatโs fair
Doctor: youโll be fine if you donโt touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
This is me
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[guy at party whoโs embarrassed that heโs allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Iโve got a neighbor whoโs really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.