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How your email finds me
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.