Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Brother?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.